The Journey Ahead

— Change the message —

by Bradley Ann Morgan, PCC
Walks Beside Coaching & Consulting
www.walksbesidecoaching.com

Recently, we were the speakers at a "caregivers" night in a local desert community. After the conclusion of the official program, we opened the floor for those who had specific issues to address. The common question we heard was, "Why can't I get my dad to get dressed on time in the morning? He knows that I have to take the kids to day care and then drive to my work. I swear he does it just to make me late!"

This is the lament of the Sandwich Generation. These families have children to rear and aging parents in the same household. Consequently, they feel the pressures of being "sandwiched" between two very different sets of care responsibilities. A national survey conducted in 2005 among 3,014 adults, including 1,117 Baby Boomers, examined the intergenerational care relationships within families. The results found that half of all Boomers were raising one or more young children, and providing primary care support to one or more aging parents, sometimes even a grandparent.

Just like children, the more some elders are told they must do something, the more they will keep fighting not to do it. It can become a test of wills for power and control. As a result, their behavior is seen as annoying or recalcitrant. We encourage the caregiver to recall that their elderly loved one may be grieving the loss of their driver's license, the loss of their independence, a loss of spouse, even the loss of mobility. All of these trigger the grief process.

Also remember that adult children typically have specific images of what is appropriate for their elders to do and undertake at "their age." Along with their children's ideas, there are clear-cut descriptions from the media, and sometimes from individual cultures on the activities they should pursue. These images are often restrictive for the elder loved one.  It's not surprising that they feel resentment in that they should be liberated from the constraints of social image, age or gender distinctions, and professional status ... freedoms that can enable them to tap into their own creative powers for the most meaningful years of their lives.

What would happen if you change your message to them concerning living arrangements, household schedules, new activities, connections with old friends, perhaps previous hobbies that they used to enjoy? What if your message omitted blame statements such as, "Why don’t you," "You always make me late/angry/exasperated," "If only you would …?" What if your message included positive results, not just obedience? Try asking questions about how they want their schedule to fold in with yours. Avoid responding with a definitive "No" to their every request. Create space for you and your loved one to consider current issues.  Listen for their viewpoint. Examine not only their physical capabilities, but also their unfulfilled desires, the activities where they would find renewal. 

However, these recommendations are not intended to reverse a revocation of their driver's license! We hear the demand for driving often. Driving loss is of great impact to an elder's independence. Re-direction to other activities can enable them to view that independence is not just associated with the driving ability. Other activities that involve their decision-making restore the sense of "I have control over my life." Needless to say, this perspective does not include elders with true dementia and Alzheimer's who cannot concentrate on their self-care and decision-making processes.  

The following thoughts may help you change your message in caregiving:

• How would you begin your conversation with your loved one about how you would like to revise the current living schedule for the both of you? Where and what challenges can the both of you make congruent decisions?
• Can you have this opening conversation without accusatory statements such as, "You always, You never, or If you would just…."?
• How can you separate the amount of control you need in your living arrangements with the trade offs of freedom your loved one may desire?
• What other activity or contribution can they make to daily life, in the home or to the outside community, possibly civic engagement, mentoring college students, serving as a docent in a historic hotel, reading to the blind, etc.?
• If they are resentful, what decisions are being made for their welfare. Do they have a voice in the decisions? Are they blaming you or others for their current situation without practicing their power of choice?
• How can you honor their core values, bridging the difference on judgments of money expenditures, number of visitors in the home and time of visiting, even their choice of dress for church or public events?
• Are you being the "sheriff" on their prospects for future activity involvement, such as taking up golf now or tai chi?     

Find Eldercare for Your Loved Ones

We have partnered with ElderCarelink to help you find the right local eldercare services for your loved one. ElderCarelink has established a nationwide network of carefully screened eldercare providers and facilities. We are pleased to bring this referral service to you free of charge.

Within minutes of completing a brief Needs Survey, you will receive a detailed email report that list eldercare providers in your area who match your specific requirements. Last year alone, over 100,000 families utilized this service in their search for high-quality senior care.

We look forward to our family helping yours. Take a minute now to complete the Needs Survey and find the community that meets your family's needs. Let us assist you.

Our visitors ask ...

Q. My Mother is 74 years young and is collecting my father's Railroad Retirement as his widow. She worked for many years paying into Social Security. Should she be able to collect on the Social Security she as paid in and also collect on my father's Railroad Retirement?

A. No. In the case of people like your mother who are dually eligible, she can collect only one benefit. The benefit she should be receiving is the higher of the two benefit amounts for which she is eligible. That should have been calculated automatically by the Social Security Administration, the agency that administers both Social Security and Railroad Retirement.

Daily Living Solutions

— products for seniors and the elderly —

As we grow older, it often becomes difficult to use many everyday products because of arthritis, disability or other conditions. If you or a loved one needs a little help – or a lot – here are practical and affordable solutions that make life a little easier – solutions that help people continue living independently in their own home. To help you find what you need, everything is sorted into convenient categories in our Solutions for Seniors section.

You will also find, usually at a substantial discount, hundreds of medical equipment items, home health care products for the elderly, disability assistive devices, and more.

Whether you are looking for yourself or a loved one, Solutions for Seniors offers a wide variety of products, supplies and accessories – raised toilet seats, safety rails, incontinence supplies, large-handle eating utensils, pain relief, diabetic supplies, pill splitters and crushers, big-button hearing-amplified telephones, canes, walkers, rollators, wheelchairs – and much more.

Caregiving – Finding the money for care at home

A variety of resources can help pay for care at home. We discuss these resources in some detail in our article 12 tips to help you find money (and free resources) for care at home.

Caregiver Tip #2

— If your parent is turning 65 this year —

If your loved one is NOT YET on Medicare, they can apply for Medicare's plans at any time beginning 3 months before the month of their 65th birthday, or they can delay their enrollment for up to 3 months after the month of their 65th birthday. For example, if their 65th birthday is August 20th, they can apply at any time from May 1st to November 30th without any penalty.

For complete information about enrolling in Medicare's plans, visit Medicare's home page at www.Medicare.gov. For more information about Medicare's new prescription drug plan, including how to enroll, visit Medicare's Part D Prescription Drug Plans. You can also find more information about all of the prescription drug plans that are available to your loved one by using Medicare's online tool, Medicare Prescription Drug Plan Finder.

Important Note: Enrollment in Medicare's Part A and B will NOT enroll your loved one in Medicare's Prescription Drug Plan (Plan D). For prescription drug coverage, your loved one must ALSO enroll separately in Plan D.

Our visitors ask ...

Q. We are moving my mother to Florida from Pennsylvania. We have been her legal court appointed guardians for 5 years by the state of Pennsylvania. What do we have to do to transfer the guardianship to Florida? We do not have much money and have been quoted $2,000 for basically for filling out a form and presenting to a judge with a copy of our guardianship papers and file from PA. Do you have any other ideas?

A. Guardianship can be such a very complicated issue that, if you wish to avoid potential legal complications in the future, you should talk to an attorney who specializes in elder law. Check the yellow pages in your telephone directory, or go to the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys' web site. You'll find a link in the upper left corner (just below their logo) that will help you locate an elder law attorney.

Because you are presumably moving your mother because it is in her best interest (and not just for your convenience), you could use your mother's funds to pay the $2,000 fee.

Recommended Reading and Videos

Many excellent books and videos can help guide you through the caregiving process. For our recommendations, including a brief description of each one, click here.

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is intended as a supplement, not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. More